I Can Feel The Winds of Change Coming!

Not only is summer coming to a close (which makes me sad) because I so love summer time, Fall is defiantly in the air. I can feel it in the mornings when I take the kids to school and late evenings too! It almost makes me want to put out my Fall Decorations, but I'm gonna wait a little longer for that, gonna hang onto summer as long as I can.

It's not only the seasons that I feel are changing, the past week has been on heck of a whirlwind for me. I have had so many emotions. I started this week, feeling like I have hit the lowest of low in my life. I had no direction in which to turn. I honestly felt numb for lack of better terms... Recently we decided that we really needed to find a church and change our lives and the kids for the good... Although I knew all this time we needed too, we just didn't make it top priority ( I know shame on us). So we went to church on Sunday and It was nice. I liked everything about it, Larry & Cheyenne did too. But the strangest thing happened to me when it was over, I felt this total lack of control and I was running scared, not sure what in the world I was feeling, what I was going to do. I had no explanation but "I don't Know". Maybe it was Satan knowing that I was fixing to turn my life back to God and he was putting all of these thoughts in my head. Long story short, I spent the next 2 days, dazed & confused, running basically on auto pilot and then when confronted by Larry, I lost it... I cried until I looked like a I had a bad allergic reaction, I prayed, I talked to a great friend for hours, I went to the cemetery and prayed some more. I finally felt comforted by the words I had read in a devotional bible and my prayers... I decided that whatever is going on I need to "let go and let God". I realized that I had lost all Faith in the Lord and what he can do in not only my life but all of our lives. We all as a family need this not just me. So the rest of the week, I have spent trying to rebuild my faith and trust in the Lord, feeling more confident and blessed for what I do have and not being upset for what I don't. Most importantly trusting that he will reveal to us in his own time his will for our lives.

We also have some other things in the works that I need to leave for a later time until I know for sure, but we are going to take a "Leap of Faith" in the words of Jill (a great friend of mine) and see where it takes us.

One more little thing that came from all this and it took Jill to point it out to me. I also had apprehensions of going to church in a place where people knew me, knew my past and that I have not lived as I should. Which goes way beyond church, I generally didn't want to "run into" anyone who knew me or knew about me that could pass judgment about me, my family or my life... I know it sounds crazy to feel that way, but I did, I have nothing to be ashamed of really, maybe I haven't made all the right choices, Ive been divorced, I have 2 children with 2 different fathers and now I'm remarried to someone who is also divorced... but she told me "I don't see any of that in you, I just wish you could see what others see in you and who you are to others". She let me know that most people don't think of us as we think of ourselves and it made me realize I was passing judgement on myself before anyone else had the chance to think anything about me, good or bad. So I'm also working toward being me and loving me for who I am no matter what others may or not think... Having a low self-esteem is such a big thing to overcome, but I'm working on it!!!!

So there are lots of things changing around here and I will keep you informed as they all take place! I'm really looking forward to these changes in our life, I am confident they are all for the better!!!