Not only is summer coming to a close (which makes me sad) because I so love summer time, Fall is defiantly in the air. I can feel it in the mornings when I take the kids to school and late evenings too! It almost makes me want to put out my Fall Decorations, but I'm gonna wait a little longer for that, gonna hang onto summer as long as I can.
It's not only the seasons that I feel are changing, the past week has been on heck of a whirlwind for me. I have had so many emotions. I started this week, feeling like I have hit the lowest of low in my life. I had no direction in which to turn. I honestly felt numb for lack of better terms... Recently we decided that we really needed to find a church and change our lives and the kids for the good... Although I knew all this time we needed too, we just didn't make it top priority ( I know shame on us). So we went to church on Sunday and It was nice. I liked everything about it, Larry & Cheyenne did too. But the strangest thing happened to me when it was over, I felt this total lack of control and I was running scared, not sure what in the world I was feeling, what I was going to do. I had no explanation but "I don't Know". Maybe it was Satan knowing that I was fixing to turn my life back to God and he was putting all of these thoughts in my head. Long story short, I spent the next 2 days, dazed & confused, running basically on auto pilot and then when confronted by Larry, I lost it... I cried until I looked like a I had a bad allergic reaction, I prayed, I talked to a great friend for hours, I went to the cemetery and prayed some more. I finally felt comforted by the words I had read in a devotional bible and my prayers... I decided that whatever is going on I need to "let go and let God". I realized that I had lost all Faith in the Lord and what he can do in not only my life but all of our lives. We all as a family need this not just me. So the rest of the week, I have spent trying to rebuild my faith and trust in the Lord, feeling more confident and blessed for what I do have and not being upset for what I don't. Most importantly trusting that he will reveal to us in his own time his will for our lives.
We also have some other things in the works that I need to leave for a later time until I know for sure, but we are going to take a "Leap of Faith" in the words of Jill (a great friend of mine) and see where it takes us.
One more little thing that came from all this and it took Jill to point it out to me. I also had apprehensions of going to church in a place where people knew me, knew my past and that I have not lived as I should. Which goes way beyond church, I generally didn't want to "run into" anyone who knew me or knew about me that could pass judgment about me, my family or my life... I know it sounds crazy to feel that way, but I did, I have nothing to be ashamed of really, maybe I haven't made all the right choices, Ive been divorced, I have 2 children with 2 different fathers and now I'm remarried to someone who is also divorced... but she told me "I don't see any of that in you, I just wish you could see what others see in you and who you are to others". She let me know that most people don't think of us as we think of ourselves and it made me realize I was passing judgement on myself before anyone else had the chance to think anything about me, good or bad. So I'm also working toward being me and loving me for who I am no matter what others may or not think... Having a low self-esteem is such a big thing to overcome, but I'm working on it!!!!
So there are lots of things changing around here and I will keep you informed as they all take place! I'm really looking forward to these changes in our life, I am confident they are all for the better!!!
Friday, September 12, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Overwhelmed With Thoughts!
The past few days I have had so many things going on in my head. Actually, who am I kidding, I always have alot of thoughts going on in my head! So I thought I would get some of them out in writing so maybe I can make more sense of them. Keep in mind these are my opinions and I do not want to offend anyone on how I feel about certain things.
First, Its wonderful that McCain picked a woman to run for VP with him! I actually thought of voting for Clinton, if she were to make it as the Democrat contender. However, I never cared for Bill Clinton and I am not really into politics and most of it is a joke... But I do feel a woman could do a good job as a President or a VP for many reasons. As to people slamming her for having 5 children, one of which is pregnant at 17 year old and unmarried...WHO CARES!!!! That does not mean that she cant do a good job...no matter how good your morals are and how your raise your children, they will still make mistakes and live there own lives, you cant be with them every second of everyday! I would think less of her if she turned her back on her daughter in her time of need.
Second, little Caylee Anthony and her so called mother Casey... all I want to know is why they keep letting her out of jail... if they keep on with her she will do the same thing Melinda Duckett did and commit suicide, because of the "stress" and no one will ever know the real truth about what happened or where the little one is! She doesnt deserve to be out of jail and they need to find a way to make her talk, I dont feel sorry for her or her parents at this point, I feel there is something just not right with the whole situation... She shows no remorse, no guilt, no emotion what so ever that her daughter is missing... If it were me and I was innocent (BTW the thought of killing my children has never entered my mind, even when they are driving me nuts) I would be beside myself with grief, crying, praying and begging for anyone to help me find my lost child... Casey has never showed any type of emotion in anyway. And don't think for one minute if my Mother or Pop thought I or anyone else hurt one of my children that they wouldnt turn me in... I have already been told they love us kids but if someone hurt their grandchildren, it would be on! Ive been told that a time or two in my life from both of them!
I have several "little projects" I want to do around the house, like clean out my office, organize my scrapbooking things, paint the kitchen, clean out the kids rooms (again)... It is all very overwhelming for me though... I have all good intention, then when I set my mind too it I walk into the room or place Im going to work on the "little project" and I dont know where to start!!!
I look around and think to myself where did all this stuff come from and where am I going to put it. Larry and I are such packrats (me a little more than him) but we both are! My house is not overrun with things, I do not have paths through clutter, but it is just still not the way I would like it to look. I want it to be more organized, neat and clean looking... all I see when I look around is STUFF!!!!! I think to myself I want it all gone, but I just dont know where to begin cleaning it out or where to put it...
One more thing then Im done for now, I promise... I can not for the life of me figure out why some people act and treat people the way they do! Im gonna leave it at that for now, its too long and complicated, but I just want to scream GROW UP!!!!!
Ok, I feel a little better now, maybe I can tackle one of my little projects this weekend! I will let you know!
First, Its wonderful that McCain picked a woman to run for VP with him! I actually thought of voting for Clinton, if she were to make it as the Democrat contender. However, I never cared for Bill Clinton and I am not really into politics and most of it is a joke... But I do feel a woman could do a good job as a President or a VP for many reasons. As to people slamming her for having 5 children, one of which is pregnant at 17 year old and unmarried...WHO CARES!!!! That does not mean that she cant do a good job...no matter how good your morals are and how your raise your children, they will still make mistakes and live there own lives, you cant be with them every second of everyday! I would think less of her if she turned her back on her daughter in her time of need.
Second, little Caylee Anthony and her so called mother Casey... all I want to know is why they keep letting her out of jail... if they keep on with her she will do the same thing Melinda Duckett did and commit suicide, because of the "stress" and no one will ever know the real truth about what happened or where the little one is! She doesnt deserve to be out of jail and they need to find a way to make her talk, I dont feel sorry for her or her parents at this point, I feel there is something just not right with the whole situation... She shows no remorse, no guilt, no emotion what so ever that her daughter is missing... If it were me and I was innocent (BTW the thought of killing my children has never entered my mind, even when they are driving me nuts) I would be beside myself with grief, crying, praying and begging for anyone to help me find my lost child... Casey has never showed any type of emotion in anyway. And don't think for one minute if my Mother or Pop thought I or anyone else hurt one of my children that they wouldnt turn me in... I have already been told they love us kids but if someone hurt their grandchildren, it would be on! Ive been told that a time or two in my life from both of them!
I have several "little projects" I want to do around the house, like clean out my office, organize my scrapbooking things, paint the kitchen, clean out the kids rooms (again)... It is all very overwhelming for me though... I have all good intention, then when I set my mind too it I walk into the room or place Im going to work on the "little project" and I dont know where to start!!!
I look around and think to myself where did all this stuff come from and where am I going to put it. Larry and I are such packrats (me a little more than him) but we both are! My house is not overrun with things, I do not have paths through clutter, but it is just still not the way I would like it to look. I want it to be more organized, neat and clean looking... all I see when I look around is STUFF!!!!! I think to myself I want it all gone, but I just dont know where to begin cleaning it out or where to put it...
One more thing then Im done for now, I promise... I can not for the life of me figure out why some people act and treat people the way they do! Im gonna leave it at that for now, its too long and complicated, but I just want to scream GROW UP!!!!!
Ok, I feel a little better now, maybe I can tackle one of my little projects this weekend! I will let you know!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Parenting is Tough Stuff!
Yesterday Cheyenne and I went to the grocery store and I realized how much I have spoiled my children... which I have been noticing more lately as the money is getting tighter. They dont understand when we say we really dont have the extra money right now. She looked at me yesterday and said "we can never afford anything". Which broke my heart because not too long ago when we did have 2 incomes, we could afford alot more stuff. I call it stuff because most of it was not necessities but wants... Now we have to focus only on necessities and only wants every now and then.
I began to wonder have I done the wrong thing by always giving in to them for thier every little want? As most parents today we want to give our children what we didnt have or make their childhood easier than ours were. But in doing that I feel I have hurt them in some way of not understanding what it means to be said no too. I am the worlds worst at giving in, ask my husband or any of my family... I love them so dearly and just want them to be happy so I say yes or a no can be broken down fairly easily with me...
Most of my reasoning is because I feel sorry for them, they dont have a "normal" childhood with their parents together. They live with me during the week and see their dads every other weekend... I feel bad for what they go through emotionally, since I too lived that way, I know it is hard to live between 2 families and even as an adult now it is hard to juggle the two. So I always of course want to be the good mom so they dont one day say the dreaded words "I want to live with my dad"... I hope it never comes to that, but I have the teenage years coming soon!!!
I know I wont always be the best and here lately I feel more and more like a failure than a good rolemodel to them. In the process of trying to be "the best" mom I can be, I know I have made some bad decisions in the parenting department... So now the question how do I fix this, how do I make them understand that a No is No and I'm not being mean?
Larry & I tell them stories all the time about when we were growing up...you know the ones like we heard from our parents about walking 10 miles in a snow storm...LOL... mostly about that when we went to the store we didnt get everything we asked for and usually we knew better than to ask. That a trip to the mall or a restuarant was maybe once or twice a month not a week! They look at us like we are crazy usually, as Im sure I did at their age too.
With all the technology, the peer pressure, the television shows and advertisements of the kids who have everything how am I supposed to help them understand that just because Hannah Montana has it or your best friend has every video game system made that we really dont need it, we have more than enough, at least in my opinion we do. Being a parent is tough and boy have I grown more respect for mine over the years for all that we did have even when we thought there was never enough!
I began to wonder have I done the wrong thing by always giving in to them for thier every little want? As most parents today we want to give our children what we didnt have or make their childhood easier than ours were. But in doing that I feel I have hurt them in some way of not understanding what it means to be said no too. I am the worlds worst at giving in, ask my husband or any of my family... I love them so dearly and just want them to be happy so I say yes or a no can be broken down fairly easily with me...
Most of my reasoning is because I feel sorry for them, they dont have a "normal" childhood with their parents together. They live with me during the week and see their dads every other weekend... I feel bad for what they go through emotionally, since I too lived that way, I know it is hard to live between 2 families and even as an adult now it is hard to juggle the two. So I always of course want to be the good mom so they dont one day say the dreaded words "I want to live with my dad"... I hope it never comes to that, but I have the teenage years coming soon!!!
I know I wont always be the best and here lately I feel more and more like a failure than a good rolemodel to them. In the process of trying to be "the best" mom I can be, I know I have made some bad decisions in the parenting department... So now the question how do I fix this, how do I make them understand that a No is No and I'm not being mean?
Larry & I tell them stories all the time about when we were growing up...you know the ones like we heard from our parents about walking 10 miles in a snow storm...LOL... mostly about that when we went to the store we didnt get everything we asked for and usually we knew better than to ask. That a trip to the mall or a restuarant was maybe once or twice a month not a week! They look at us like we are crazy usually, as Im sure I did at their age too.
With all the technology, the peer pressure, the television shows and advertisements of the kids who have everything how am I supposed to help them understand that just because Hannah Montana has it or your best friend has every video game system made that we really dont need it, we have more than enough, at least in my opinion we do. Being a parent is tough and boy have I grown more respect for mine over the years for all that we did have even when we thought there was never enough!
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